A ratchet is a mechanism that allows for motion in one direction only. (Here’s a video that demonstrates how this works.)
Why is it so difficult to dial back an already deep relationship?
- When we want to deepen a relationship, we make ourselves vulnerable, because we will hurt if we learn that we care more about someone than they care about us. We celebrate conquering this fear. We accept that love requires a leap of faith. We believe it’s healthy to build our rejection stamina.
- When we want to dial back a relationship, we make them vulnerable, because they may hurt if they learn that we care less about them than they care about us. We denounce people who take advantage of other people’s vulnerabilities as manipulative and mean.
Naturally, there’s the anguish of breaking up with a significant other, as well as the pain of severing ties with one’s family. When it comes to friendships, however, we’re seldom explicit about dialing them back – perhaps because the commitment we make to each other as friends is often less well-defined.
Instead, we let our friendships peter out, dwindle away. We tell ourselves that we do this because it might be less painful to the other party if the change is gradual. Realistically, that’s often true, but alas – it’s usually least true when it matters most.
Thank you to Albert for inspiring this post.