tarnishing the golden rule

The duty of lovers is to tarnish the golden rule.
— Leonard Cohen, “One of Us Cannot Be Wrong“

Nearly every religion and ethical tradition contains a concept of the golden rule or law of reciprocity — that we must treat others as we wish to be treated.¹ For me, this is not enough: love demands an even higher stage of empathy.

Stage 0. I exist
In our emotional development, we begin by acknowledging our own emotions. I like the teddy bear; I want to play with the teddy bear.

Stage 1: Other people exist, and are different from me
When we first realize that other people exist and may have conflicting emotions, we see the other-ness of their emotions. I want to play with the teddy bear alone; John also wants to play with the teddy bear; John and I are in conflict; I want to keep the teddy bear to myself.

Stage 2. Other people are like me
Over time (and, often, multiple times), we realize that other people often react similarly to how we would respond if we were in their position. It makes sense that John wants to play with the teddy bear, because I also want to play with the teddy bear; if I were John, I’d want me to share the teddy bear in some way.

This is the golden rule stage — realizing that you could just as easily be in the other person’s shoes as in your own, and that you ought to act well toward others if you expect them to act well toward you in turn.

In my view, however, love asks that we take our empathy even further:

Stage 3. Other people are only sometimes like me
We are not all the same person — we uphold different values, we are motivated by different interests, we have different past histories, we react differently. You like talking with her every day, even though she would rather see you just once a week. You don’t mind when he goes on friend dates, but your 1:1 dinners with others spark his jealousy.

With our closest relationships, our “duty” is to continually learn how a person is unique and different from ourselves in order to treat them with love. Tarnish the golden rule — treat people not how you would like to be treated, but how you’ve learned they would like to be treated.

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Empathy is a natural skill for some, and an intentionally-developed skill for most. Some ideas and frameworks that have powerfully affected how I perceive empathy:

• The Fundamental Attribution Error. We underestimate how important other people’s circumstances are when we evaluate their behavior, and we overemphasize how important our own circumstances are when we look at our own behavior.
• The Five Love Languages. Different people need different things to feel loved, and different people have different ways of expressing their love.
• Four career foci. Different individuals may be primarily motivated by company (winning and being successful), people (helping people around you grow and develop), society (making the world a better place), or growth (learning or getting promoted).
• Difficult Conversations. In complex situations, people often have different perceptions of what’s happening. This is compounded by how people feel and how they think the conversation reflects on their identity. If you approach a conversation with your foremost goal being to listen and understand, you will often learn valuable information that will help you act constructively and spare you significant pain and misunderstsanding.

Thank you to Isaac for sharing the quote that inspired this post.