Tag: Growth

artistic questions

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in the same way that scientific researchers will articulate their research questions, i’ve been working as an artist on articulating the artistic questions that i investigate in my work. here are the five themes that keep resurfacing in my work, that i can’t seem to get away from—all under the umbrella theme of deep caring.

[0] DEEP CARING

  • what do we care about deeply, and why?
  • what is worth tremendous sacrifice for, and why?
  • when do we “fail to care,” or fail to live in accordance with our values?

[1] TRANSCENDENCE

  • “significance” “meaning” “beauty” “the sublime”
  • how might we build connection with something larger than ourselves?

[2] TRUTH

  • why do we believe what we believe?
  • how do good people come to believe in such conflicting perspectives?
  • how might we build a more nuanced understanding of what is true, what is good?
  • and how might we do so without being overwhelmed, inundated?

[3] PRIVILEGE

  • how do we coexist, given the various privileges, injustices, and differences that we carry?
  • how does caring for others intersect with caring for ourselves?
  • what stories do we tell ourselves about our privilege?
  • how might we use the privilege we have?

[4] STORYTELLING

  • what makes a story satisfying is different from what makes real life satisfying. so, how might we create stories that help us face reality more than they let us escape it? how might we create stories that expand empathy more than they encourage crippling expectations?
  • how might created stories fit into a person’s total “information diet”?

[5] COMMUNITY

  • how do we meaningfully connect? how do we meaningfully gather?
  • how might we create spaces where people feel like they belong?
  • how might we navigate the tension between the vibrancy of individuals and the “sheepleness” necessary for collective action?

blog posts on career choice

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I often get asked how I’ve made the career decisions that I’ve made, and I recently realized that these two posts share a significant chunk of the ideas that have shaped my own perspective:

If you read these pieces, it may be helpful to keep in mind the actual careers that these folks have chosen—Paul as a computer scientist, entrepreneur, and cofounder of a startup accelerator; Tim as a “writer-ish guy”—as well as the privileges that may have allowed these folks to think in the way that they do. Some aspects of their thinking might feel more or less relevant to your circumstances.

cultivating inspiration as a long path

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A few posts ago, I talked about the skill of chasing inspiration—how there are concrete things that we as artists can do in order to find things that “juice” us and plant the seeds for future creativity. I’ve been thinking lately about how good ideas come about and wanted to share a few stories and reflections about how the path toward exciting ideas can be long.

The Triangle. The creator of one of my favorite musicals once told me that the show was born from a triangle of three key moments, moments that happened months apart. First, he had a conversation with a close collaborator in which they discovered that they both loved the same Greek tragedy. Second, he happened to meet an incredible performer who totally stunned him, for whom he passionately wanted to write. Third, a family member who had just moved to a new location gifted him a book with one line about a particular historical figure—one whose life corresponded closely with the main character of the Greek tragedy, and whom the incredible performer could star as. With that third moment, suddenly the triangle came together, and the first song was born. Months of conversation and experiences, some in unintentional and unrelated places, gave birth to the core idea of an amazing work of theatre and art.

Jelly Time. An artist once shared that every day, she gifts herself “jelly time,” a time when she follows her curiosity and lets it ooze freely. For me, my jelly time manifests as reading articles or books that sound interesting even though they don’t help with what I’m working on at the moment, listening to new music others have shared with me, playing or analyzing music I love to understand how it works, and composing either without an end goal or with the freedom to wander away from the end goal as I explore.

Sometimes there is no output, immediately or with time. But other times, this process bears sweet fruit. For example, a month ago, I loosely searched for inspiration gems from Central and Eastern European culture, and I let myself be distracted by the idea of Bulgarian dance rhythms. At the time, I was desperately trying to finish two songs, neither of which needed such rhythms, and I worried that this delightful excursion had been an indulgent waste of time. Earlier this week, however, I needed to quickly write several transformations of a musical theme, and with a particular Bulgarian dance rhythm in mind, I was able to come up with a really cool transformation in a short time. Even when I am able to work quickly, I feel that I am often most successful at this when I am leaning into ideas that have come up during jelly time.

Nebula Time. Nebulas are the birthplaces of stars! And most mornings, I gift myself “nebula time,” a time when I give myself space to reflect on what matters to me, what I’m proud of, what I’m grateful for, and what I hope for that day. My nebula time sometimes naturally spins into jelly time. I might write more about nebula time in a separate post.

the skill of chasing inspiration

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During my second semester of graduate school, I began to mentally sort my projects into three categories.

  1. Projects that feel like my heart’s work.
    This is the gold. When the story you’re telling and the words & music you’re writing feel aligned with your inner sense of purpose. When your idea fuels your inspiration and your heart wants intently to discover this thing you’re making. I pretty much always wish I were writing pieces in this category.
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  2. Projects that feel like skill-building opportunities.
    Especially when deadlines loom, we don’t always have the luxury to discover the work that feels like our heart’s work. Even if we don’t feel inspired about the ideas themselves, we can find inspiration in the opportunity we have to build our skills so that when we find project ideas that do feel like our heart’s work, we have the tools in our toolkit to make the most of those moments of inspiration.
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  3. Projects that feel like doing laundry.
    Occasionally, we run across projects that we have to do in order to be reasonable graduate students, even though we struggle to find the excitement for them. These exercises can feel like going through the motions without aim; these are the most frustrating pieces to write. To minimize the frustration, I often give these exercises as little time as possible; whatever comes out of me goes into the piece without much foresight or afterthought.

This mental sorting has been helpful for me, enabling me to prioritize my favorite projects while behaving reasonably about my least favorite projects.

However, I’m beginning to understand that part of being an effective artist means knowing how to bring a project from a lower category to a higher category.

I call this the skill of chasing inspiration—of noticing when you aren’t feeling inspired and venturing out in search for a kernel or framing that re-sparks your excitement.

Sometimes, this skill will feel like an active “chasing” or “pursuing.” Other times it will feel like a natural “following” or “finding.”

This skill becomes especially necessary as we begin to write longer pieces. Of course, we should avoid embarking on a longer piece unless we already love the idea enough that it drives us out of bed in the morning, but if we start to feel lost and uninspired—and inevitably, we will—we must know how to find the tinder and kindling to reignite our own inspiration.

We don’t always have to do this alone. Our collaborators, teachers, and supporters can help us. But we will get stuck. So we’d better cultivate the skill of getting unstuck.

personal brand, revisited

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Two years ago, considering my personal brand was a helpful method for understanding who I want to be and become. As I begin a new chapter of active collaboration with others, I reflect again on who I want to be when I’m interacting with folks.

 

How do I want others to perceive me?

She is a vibrant force upon the world
  • Creative — She keeps coming up with amazing / interesting ideas
  • Individual — She has a clear and unique artistic voice
  • Ambitious — She sets high standards—and meets them
She creates work that makes me feel things
  • Insightful — She knows how to get to the heart of a thing
  • Empathic — She really understands people; she really understands me
  • Effective — She oozes competence; she is highly articulate
I like working with her
  • Kind — She cares about me as a human; I feel good about myself when I work with her
  • Honest — She unflinchingly chooses to make our work better
  • Learning — She listens, learns, and adapts
A few “how” keywords: Caring, Vulnerable, Intentional, Proactive, Generous

 

How am I afraid others will perceive me?

  • An organizer, but not a creator
  • Not unique; another x just like everyone else
  • Shallow, unthoughtful
  • Slow to get work done
  • Inaccessible, difficult to understand
  • Mean, unfair, inflexible

productive and reflective journaling

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Productive Journaling: Caveday Focus Questions

In November, I attended a CreativeMornings FieldTrip by Caveday, an organization that teaches people how to work smarter by facilitating deep work sessions. Before we began our work sprint, we each wrote down the answer to three questions:

  1. What do you want to accomplish?
  2. How will you approach this?
  3. What does finished look like?

I like Questions 1 and 2, because it’s surprising how often I sit down to “write” or “compose” but don’t have a clear picture of exactly what I’ll be doing. By being more specific about what I’m doing—whether it’s clarifying the story I want to tell, browsing rhyming dictionary entries for key words, designing the verse melody, or re-composing the music for the bridge—I give myself the clarity I need to take action without second-guessing myself. I may later discover that my approach isn’t working, but at least I’m using my time trying out an approach, not waffling about which approach to try.

I like Question 3, because I sometimes get distracted from getting closer to completing my task because I’m refining something that’s already “good enough.” The temptation to refine is especially true for me in artistic/creative endeavors, where the details do matter, and sometimes “good enough” isn’t actually good enough. (To elaborate, I do think there are some art forms that I can enjoy even if the quality isn’t all there—for example, I can enjoy a nascent singer-songwriter’s work even if they’re rough around the edges—but for some art forms, notably ballet and opera, I have a hard time enjoying the form when it’s done in a mediocre way, even though it’s truly sublime and unlike anything else when it’s done at the highest level by the most talented people.) But done now is better than perfect never.

Reflective Journaling: The Five Minute Journal Questions

I probably first read about The Five Minute Journal a long time ago, but I rediscovered these questions a few days ago. The premise is that you take just five minutes a day to reflect on 2-3 answers for each of the following questions:

  1. I am grateful for…
  2. Would would make today great?
  3. Daily affirmation. I am…
  4. 3 Amazing things that happened today…
  5. How could I have made today even better?

I like these questions because they orient your reflection in constructive ways. You’re primed to feel grateful, to create greatness in your day, and to affirm a positive self-narrative. You celebrate the highlights and look toward how you can improve things for the future.

I also like that these questions are often straightforward to answer, because they’re grounded in how you’re currently feeling as well as the day immediately before and behind you, which makes reflection feel natural, less forced.

Reflective Journaling: Morning Pages

If you want to create, but you experience self-doubt about your ability or energy to create, I highly, highly recommend Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. This book significantly changed my view on what it means to create and be an artist, and I’ve spoken with countless others who have been positively transformed by this book too. Yes, a lot of the content and tone is hokey, but in spite of that, this book has been extremely effective at empowering artists to feel freedom to create.

With regarding to journaling, one of the most valuable exercises from the book is Morning Pages—a ritual of writing three pages of stream-of-consciousness thinking every day. One of the benefits of doing this much stream-of-consciousness writing every day is that you allow space to reflect on life experiences that you may not have been fully aware were affecting or bothering you in a way that needed more processing and reflection. The sheer volume of writing allows these experiences to surface and demand attention and action. If meditation gives you the quiet space to observe thoughts as they happen and set them aside, morning pages give you the freedom to record those thoughts and how you’d like to act on them.

There’s a copy of the book here which I found from elsewhere on the internet. Read it!

loneliness

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If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. — Anton Chekhov

how we talk about love

Many romance stories—from Hollywood rom-coms, Disney princess tales, and American romance novels to Japanese shoujo manga and Korean dramas—celebrate the idea that finding your life partner is a magical and effortless experience. When you meet your partner, you’ll love them at first sight. Your partner will immediately understand you and your needs, even though you have never communicated those needs before. Your partner will match you in every imaginable way and do everything for you that they can. And you will never feel lonely, ever again.

The reality, we learn, is not so rosy. It turns out that many of us take time to fall in love. It turns out that most people aren’t mind-readers, and even though your partner might be great at interpreting your body language or know your history and personality well enough that they often have a good guess for what you’re thinking, it’s just not reasonable to expect that they’ll always know your every wish. It also turns out that most people have lives of their own, and even though your partner might be there for you most of the time, they can’t always resolve your needs for you. In fact, sometimes, they might choose not to resolve your needs for you, even if they can. And sometimes, that doesn’t make them a bad or mean partner—it just makes them a person who sets boundaries and has needs of their own. It also turns out that if you are prone to feeling lonely, you will probably still feel lonely, time and again.

your needs are your own

I once walked into a management coaching session the morning after my then-partner and I had a fight. Unable to focus on work, I blubbered about the situation: essentially, my partner and I had been talking over the phone about a different upsetting issue (that I can no longer remember), and in the midst of this conversation filled with sad and negative emotions, he told me that he needed to sleep and couldn’t keep talking.

It really wasn’t an unreasonable request on his part. At the time, I lived on the west coast and he lived on the east coast, so he was actually already staying up very late to comfort me, even though he had to wake up very early for work the next day. But it still hurt me a lot that even though he knew I was hurting, he wanted to sleep more than he wanted to be with me. I felt abandoned. I felt that if he loved me more, he would stay awake and be with me. I was supposedly in a healthy relationship with the person I love, and yet I felt so alone.

It sounds like you had a need for companionship that he wasn’t able to fulfill, my coach said. It sounds like he decided to take care of his own needs, and he didn’t continue tending to yours.

I feel like if he loves me, he should put my needs before his own, I said. I know that I’m being hypocritical, because I should have put his need to sleep before my own need for companionship. But I was really hurting.

From what you’ve told me about him before, it sounds like he often does put your needs before his own, my coach said. Let me ask you: do you want him to be there for you because he wants to, or because he feels like he has to?

I feel like he should always want to be there for me because he loves me.

And yet it seems like he loves you, and he wanted to be there for you, and he needed sleep, and he decided to sleep. He tells you this, and you ask him if he would please stay up with you, and he says he’s sorry, but no, he won’t. So let’s say, at that point, you angrily demand that he stay up with you. How do you think he would feel?

Silence.

I don’t think you want him to resent you. It’s good that you communicate your needs to him, but if he can’t resolve your needs, you need to remember that your needs are your own, and that it isn’t his responsibility to resolve them. You can go to him, and he will often be happy to be there for you—to comfort you, distract you, cheer you up. But sometimes he will say no, and you will need to find another way to deal with your feelings.

people who are not our partner

There are many ways that we can feel better with self-care. But if our need is for companionship, we turn to people who are not our partner for emotional support. That’s healthy and a good thing in many cases. But it’s also probably how most emotional affairs begin—when one partner feels like they can no longer depend on the other for emotional support, and instead turns to someone else.

feeling seen

Years later. You hear a piece of music, or see a performance, or behold a work of art—that moves you deeply, to your core, that twists you up inside. What did you think? you ask your partner tentatively.

I thought it was okay, they say. Casually. As if you hadn’t just had your soul ripped out of you.

And you stare at this person you love, and you feel like there is this huge part of your inner core that they can’t see, and you wonder why they love you, and if those are the reasons for which you want to be loved.

love without boundaries

We’re taught by stories that love without boundaries is beautiful. The man who gives up everything to be with the woman he loves. The parent who sacrifices everything to support their child. The soldier who jumps on the grenade to save his comrades. And truly, it is beautiful when people care deeply. I find deep caring to be one of the most beautiful things in the world.

But it’s certainly not “healthy.”

But the beauty of love isn’t in dramatic gestures, they say. Love is beautiful in the everyday. And it’s not wrong that there is a beauty to love in the everyday. In fact, I’m a huge proponent of giving life to the stories of love in the everyday, because I think it isn’t done enough, and I think we (read: I) develop unrealistic expectations about relationships as a result. But the fact that love is beautiful in the everyday doesn’t actually prevent love from being beautiful in unhealthy, unrealistic dramatic gestures. We (read: I) still love The Notebook, not just in spite of its romantic extravagance, but also because of it.

And so there’s this tension between the beauty of deep, self-sacrificing caring—of love without boundaries—and the healthiness of taking care of ourselves.

what we want

So what does it mean, for two people to come together as partners? Are we just two separate humans who decide to experience life together because we like to fulfill each other’s needs, participate in each other’s experiences, and make joint decisions on our collective happiness? I think that’s a healthy definition—that although relationships serve merely as a salve for the loneliness of existence, the beauty of the salve is worth celebrating.

And yet, I feel like something is missing from that view of love. Perhaps it’s the unhealthy and unrealistic beauty of dramatic stories, and perhaps we shouldn’t want that—and we don’t want it, but we also do. Or perhaps it’s this sense that no matter whom we choose as our partner, we still won’t escape being alone.

frameworks

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I love how good frameworks clarify confusing ideas. Although applying frameworks too rigidly can be harmful, I have found that a flexible and moderate approach to frameworks has added nuance and depth to the way I perceive the world.

Here are a few of my favorite frameworks.

Frameworks for Empathy

5 Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages framework was my first introduction to the power of frameworks in clarifying confusing relationship dynamics. It turns out that different people need different things to feel loved, and different people have different ways of expressing their love – so if we want to give and receive love, we need to be aware of the different “languages” that our loved ones may be using when they give and receive.

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Framework Source: 5 Love Languages
Graphic Source: Odyssey

9 Enneagram Personality Types
Like the 5 Love Languages, the Enneagram personality types give us a concrete way to think about how people are different. The Enneagram is especially helpful for understanding how other people may be fundamentally driven by different things.

EnneagramWheel-solid-middle
Framework Source: The Enneagram Institute
Graphic Source: Integrative Enneagram

Four Career Foci
This is a framework that one of my managers once discussed with me, and I haven’t been able to find online. The core premise is this: different individuals may be primarily motivated by company (winning and being successful), people (helping people around you grow and develop), society (making the world a better place), or growth (learning or getting promoted). It’s helpful to know what motivates the people you are working with.

Four Tendencies
This is the newest framework I’ve latched onto. It’s a way of thinking of how people are motivated, with a specific focus on how people respond to outer expectations and how people respond to inner expectations.

four-tendencies-graphic
Source: Gretchen Rubin

Frameworks for effectiveness

Important vs. Urgent
The classic prioritization matrix.

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Framework Source: Typically attributed to Eisenhower
Graphic Source: The Book of the Future

Likelihood of Success vs. Impact
A twist on prioritization that looks more closely at expected value (rather than immediacy).

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Framework & Graphic Source: First Round Review

Honesty vs. Kindness
When we are honest to others, we are sometimes brutal. When we are kind to others, we are sometimes not actually helping the other party. It’s okay for honesty to hurt, and it’s okay for kindness to be received – but there are ways to deliver honesty from a place that comes from love and care rather than meanness, and there are ways to be kind yet direct.

radical-candor-2x2.png
Framework & Graphic Source: Radical Candor

Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations are often actually made of three separate conversations: What Happened? How do I feel? And what does this say about me? I’ve found that I’m usually least aware of this last conversation, of how what’s happening makes me feel about who I am. When I can’t figure out why something is bothering me, the identity question is often at the root.

how-to-handle-difficult-conversations-10-638
Framework Source: Difficult Conversations
Graphic Source: Deepak Babu

Thank you to Catherine, whose art post inspired me to look into the four tendencies framework, which in turn drove me to write this post.

partner, rival, mirror, goal

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MangoldProject makes great jazz piano tutorials on Youtube. Several of his suggestions for finding motivation resonate with me:

  • Practice is a habit – Try committing 5 minutes a day every day for 3-4 weeks. It is more important to solidify this core habit (and eventually increase practice time) than to practice long hours intermittently.
  • Go to live shows and perform in them – Watching great musicians infuses you with fresh motivation to become better / more like them. Having to perform your work, especially solo, also significantly drives the desire to improve – using your fear of humiliation constructively – and often brings gentle validation of your progress, too.

My favorite of his suggestions is that one should find a partner, mirror, rival, and goal.

  • A partner is someone you practice with. This could be someone with whom you physically practice in the same place and at the same time (like a gym buddy), or someone going through a similar experience with whom you can regularly review practice progress (like discussing your practice session with another musician each day).
  • A rival is someone whom you see as your equal, against whom you can compare yourself. When the relationship is healthy, the rival activates your competitive instincts toward growth.
  • A mirror (or critic) is someone who gives you feedback about how well you are doing. A good mirror is someone whose opinions you value and trust, and who isn’t afraid to be candid with you about both the positive and negative aspects of your work. Teachers can be good mirrors. You can also become your own critic if you can reduce your personal bias; a good way to do this is to record yourself and watch/listen.
  • A goal is someone whom you aspire to become like. (While we personally know our partner, rival, and mirror, we often don’t personally know our goal.)

When I initially began working on creative projects, I felt the intense desire to operate alone. Solitude still has an important place in my creative process, but I’m much more aware now of how community affects my sense of motivation.