There’s a new crop of stories emerging that try to center on more realistic views of romance and relationships. Examples include Alain de Botton’s novel The Course of Love, John Bowe’s collection of anecdotes Us: Americans Talk About Love, The New York Times’Modern Love column, Sue Johnson’s couples therapy book Hold Me Tight, and Esther Perel’s couples therapy podcast Where Should We Begin?. All of these works have their flaws, and it’s no surprise that only the first of the five is a work of fiction; the rest rely on the fact that the stories are real in order to engage their audience.
An alternative to telling realistic stories is using hyperbolized humor to reveal the underlying problems with idealized romance. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend does so with aplomb, and even Disney has begun to caricature its own romanticized world with Frozen’s “Love is an Open Door.” The heightened emotional nature of song and dance that audiences love might not suit a low-drama, high-realism story, but it can suit an obviously exaggerated situation. By redirecting those heightened emotions for satiric occasions rather than realistic ones, humor could play a fascinating role in influencing us to examine our unhealthy assumptions about love.
people need constant, positive, personal interactions with other people
people need to know that the bond is stable, there is mutual concern, and that this attachment will continue
people who lack belongingness are more prone to behavioral problems such as criminality and suicide and suffer from increasing mental and physical illness…. It therefore seems appropriate to regard belongingness…as a need rather than simply a want.
Belonging is closely related to group membership, and thus with the concept of conformity. Unsurprisingly, failing to conform is an obstacle for the feeling of belonging. Whether by choice or by chance, those of us who are different from the group are less likely to feel like we belong with that group.
I haven’t stopped yearning for the psychological safety of strongly belonging to one group, but I’ve also accepted that few groups if any truly capture my essence, because I cherish my own uniqueness and the beliefs I passionately hold. Belonging comes from a few strong one-on-one relationships, and from organizations that I care for but that don’t fully define me and in which I don’t always feel like I fully belong (and that’s okay).
For me, this is what it means to be an individual. For me, this is what it means to be an independent self.
One of the highest compliments I can give to a person is to say that they are “thoughtful.” To me, a thoughtful person does two things:
Considers and expresses intellectual ideas with care. This manifests in a myriad of ways: articulating the nuance in a complex idea instead of glossing it over; listening and asking targeted questions to gather information instead of jumping to a conclusion, yet being unafraid to make clear judgments when needed; demanding rationality and consistency in one’s own belief system.
Concerns themselves with the needs of other people and takes action accordingly. This means listening for what other people like and care about and taking action with that information in mind. This too has multiple practical manifestations: helping someone with chores or errands during a busy time, carefully choosing the right words of praise for an important milestone, sending a specifically selected gift.
Unsurprisingly, “care” is an important word operating here. (Indeed, one of the organizations I led in high school had the motto “Caring — our way of life,”1 and this is still a value I hold today.)
When you use a word like “thoughtful” or “care,” do you think of this double meaning?
Two Chinese terms
I love finding Chinese terms that don’t have a succinct English translation. (Aside: My favorite word in this category is 巧 (qiǎo), which can refer both to a person’s “deft” and “skillful” hands as well as to an “opportune” moment. The word bounces when you pronounce it in Mandarin, calling to mind a graceful gymnast vaulting upward.)
Two Chinese terms of praise that don’t have succinct English translations reveal how the culture perceives thoughtfulness as being inseparable with thoughtful action:
眼力见儿 (yǎn lì jiànr) literally translates to “eye power seeing.” Wiktionary says this term refers to “one’s ability to see what needs to be done,”2 but 眼力见儿 is not just about observation — it’s about proactiveness, too. Someone with 眼力见儿 proactively perceives what needs to be done in a situation without being asked, and then takes action to resolve the situation, all without being prompted. A common domestic example of 眼力见儿 is a child who notices that the dishes need washing and leaps up from their chair to start the dishes without anyone saying a word.
懂事 (dǒng shì) literally translates to “understands matters.” This is a favorite phrase that Chinese parents use to praise children for behaving maturely. The implication is that a child exhibits adult-like behavior because they’ve built the understanding and empathy to know what they need to do. Note that the way you demonstrate 懂事 is not by speaking and explaining what you understand, but by taking concrete, observable actions that reveal that you have the understanding. I love that the character for “understand” includes the characters for heart (忄) and heavy (重).
Questions you could ask anyone at a cocktail party
What’s a highlight from this past week?
What’s a lowlight from this past week?
What’s something you’re looking forward to in the upcoming week?
What have you been listening to lately?
What have you been reading lately?
How did you decide to come to New York?
What do you love and hate about New York?
Level II
Questions that you could still ask in a work environment
What’s an irrational behavior that you have?
What’s something that has recently changed priority for you?
What’s something you value more than others?
What would constitute a“perfect” day for you?
Tell your life story in 5 minutes.
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life so far?
Level III
Questions that require a personal answer
What do you know so far about your life purpose?
What’s your“hamming problem”— the biggest problem that you’re trying to figure out for your life right now?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
What is your relationship with your family like?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Level IV
Questions involving our uglier sides
Who’s someone with whom you have a disagreeable relationship?
What kind of people do you envy?
What’s something you’ve done that you regret?
What are you afraid of right now?
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
Level V
Questions best asked when you’re already comfortable
Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with? What kind of people are they?
“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.”– MLK Jr. What is a dark or unhappy part of your past that has constructively shaped who you are today?
Draw a “lifeline” where the x-axis is time and the y-axis is happiness. Discuss the highest and lowest times in your life.
Share something you think is a positive characteristic about the other person / the people next to you.
Share a personal problem and ask for advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask them to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem.
Thank you to Jennifer for gifting the blank cards that inspired this project.
Nearly every religion and ethical tradition contains a concept of the golden rule or law of reciprocity — that we must treat others as we wish to be treated.1 For me, this is not enough:love demands an even higher stage of empathy.
Stage 0. I exist In our emotional development, we begin by acknowledging our own emotions. I like the teddy bear; I want to play with the teddy bear.
Stage 1: Other people exist, and are different from me When we first realize that other people exist and may have conflicting emotions, we see the other-ness of their emotions. I want to play with the teddy bear alone; John also wants to play with the teddy bear; John and I are in conflict; I want to keep the teddy bear to myself.
Stage 2. Other people are like me
Over time (and, often, multiple times), we realize that other people often react similarly to how we would respond if we were in their position. It makes sense that John wants to play with the teddy bear, because I also want to play with the teddy bear; if I were John, I’d want me to share the teddy bear in some way.
This is the golden rule stage — realizing that you could just as easily be in the other person’s shoes as in your own, and that you ought to act well toward others if you expect them to act well toward you in turn.
In my view, however, love asks that we take our empathy even further:
Stage 3. Other people are only sometimes like me We are not all the same person — we uphold different values, we are motivated by different interests, we have different past histories, we react differently. You like talking with her every day, even though she would rather see you just once a week. You don’t mind when he goes on friend dates, but your 1:1 dinners with others spark his jealousy.
With our closest relationships, our “duty” is to continually learn how a person is unique and different from ourselves in order to treat them with love. Tarnish the golden rule — treat people not how you would like to be treated, but how you’ve learned they would like to be treated.
Empathy is a natural skill for some, and an intentionally-developed skill for most. Some ideas and frameworks that have powerfully affected how I perceive empathy:
The Fundamental Attribution Error. We underestimate how important other people’s circumstances are when we evaluate their behavior, and we overemphasize how important our own circumstances are when we look at our own behavior.
The Five Love Languages. Different people need different things to feel loved, and different people have different ways of expressing their love.
Four career foci. Different individuals may be primarily motivated by company (winning and being successful), people (helping people around you grow and develop), society (making the world a better place), or growth (learning or getting promoted).
Difficult Conversations. In complex situations, people often have different perceptions of what’s happening. This is compounded by how people feel and how they think the conversation reflects on their identity. If you approach a conversation with your foremost goal being to listen and understand, you will often learn valuable information that will help you act constructively and spare you significant pain and misunderstsanding.
Thank you to Isaac for sharing the quote that inspired this post.
