There’s a new crop of stories emerging that try to center on more realistic views of romance and relationships. Examples include Alain de Botton’s novel The Course of Love, John Bowe’s collection of anecdotes Us: Americans Talk About Love, The New York Times’Modern Love column, Sue Johnson’s couples therapy book Hold Me Tight, and Esther Perel’s couples therapy podcast Where Should We Begin?. All of these works have their flaws, and it’s no surprise that only the first of the five is a work of fiction; the rest rely on the fact that the stories are real in order to engage their audience.
An alternative to telling realistic stories is using hyperbolized humor to reveal the underlying problems with idealized romance. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend does so with aplomb, and even Disney has begun to caricature its own romanticized world with Frozen’s “Love is an Open Door.” The heightened emotional nature of song and dance that audiences love might not suit a low-drama, high-realism story, but it can suit an obviously exaggerated situation. By redirecting those heightened emotions for satiric occasions rather than realistic ones, humor could play a fascinating role in influencing us to examine our unhealthy assumptions about love.
I love how good frameworks clarify confusing ideas. Although applying frameworks too rigidly can be harmful, I have found that a flexible and moderate approach to frameworks has added nuance and depth to the way I perceive the world.
Here are a few of my favorite frameworks.
Frameworks for Empathy
5 Love Languages The 5 Love Languages framework was my first introduction to the power of frameworks in clarifying confusing relationship dynamics. It turns out that different people need different things to feel loved, and different people have different ways of expressing their love – so if we want to give and receive love, we need to be aware of the different “languages” that our loved ones may be using when they give and receive.
9 Enneagram Personality Types Like the 5 Love Languages, the Enneagram personality types give us a concrete way to think about how people are different. The Enneagram is especially helpful for understanding how other people may be fundamentally driven by different things.
Four Career Foci This is a framework that one of my managers once discussed with me, and I haven’t been able to find online. The core premise is this: different individuals may be primarily motivated by company (winning and being successful), people (helping people around you grow and develop), society (making the world a better place), or growth (learning or getting promoted). It’s helpful to know what motivates the people you are working with.
Four Tendencies
This is the newest framework I’ve latched onto. It’s a way of thinking of how people are motivated, with a specific focus on how people respond to outer expectations and how people respond to inner expectations.
Honesty vs. Kindness When we are honest to others, we are sometimes brutal. When we are kind to others, we are sometimes not actually helping the other party. It’s okay for honesty to hurt, and it’s okay for kindness to be received – but there are ways to deliver honesty from a place that comes from love and care rather than meanness, and there are ways to be kind yet direct.
Difficult Conversations Difficult conversations are often actually made of three separate conversations: What Happened? How do I feel? And what does this say about me? I’ve found that I’m usually least aware of this last conversation, of how what’s happening makes me feel about who I am. When I can’t figure out why something is bothering me, the identity question is often at the root.
Nearly every religion and ethical tradition contains a concept of the golden rule or law of reciprocity — that we must treat others as we wish to be treated.1 For me, this is not enough:love demands an even higher stage of empathy.
Stage 0. I exist In our emotional development, we begin by acknowledging our own emotions. I like the teddy bear; I want to play with the teddy bear.
Stage 1: Other people exist, and are different from me When we first realize that other people exist and may have conflicting emotions, we see the other-ness of their emotions. I want to play with the teddy bear alone; John also wants to play with the teddy bear; John and I are in conflict; I want to keep the teddy bear to myself.
Stage 2. Other people are like me
Over time (and, often, multiple times), we realize that other people often react similarly to how we would respond if we were in their position. It makes sense that John wants to play with the teddy bear, because I also want to play with the teddy bear; if I were John, I’d want me to share the teddy bear in some way.
This is the golden rule stage — realizing that you could just as easily be in the other person’s shoes as in your own, and that you ought to act well toward others if you expect them to act well toward you in turn.
In my view, however, love asks that we take our empathy even further:
Stage 3. Other people are only sometimes like me We are not all the same person — we uphold different values, we are motivated by different interests, we have different past histories, we react differently. You like talking with her every day, even though she would rather see you just once a week. You don’t mind when he goes on friend dates, but your 1:1 dinners with others spark his jealousy.
With our closest relationships, our “duty” is to continually learn how a person is unique and different from ourselves in order to treat them with love. Tarnish the golden rule — treat people not how you would like to be treated, but how you’ve learned they would like to be treated.
Empathy is a natural skill for some, and an intentionally-developed skill for most. Some ideas and frameworks that have powerfully affected how I perceive empathy:
The Fundamental Attribution Error. We underestimate how important other people’s circumstances are when we evaluate their behavior, and we overemphasize how important our own circumstances are when we look at our own behavior.
The Five Love Languages. Different people need different things to feel loved, and different people have different ways of expressing their love.
Four career foci. Different individuals may be primarily motivated by company (winning and being successful), people (helping people around you grow and develop), society (making the world a better place), or growth (learning or getting promoted).
Difficult Conversations. In complex situations, people often have different perceptions of what’s happening. This is compounded by how people feel and how they think the conversation reflects on their identity. If you approach a conversation with your foremost goal being to listen and understand, you will often learn valuable information that will help you act constructively and spare you significant pain and misunderstsanding.
Thank you to Isaac for sharing the quote that inspired this post.
