As a wedding gift, a sister-of-the-bride organized a letter project for which loved ones could send the happy couple letters for various shared milestones of their marriage. As someone who has weathered two different long-term relationships that contained significant periods of long-distance and has been able to learn from her failures and move them toward successes, I wrote them a letter for their “First Long Time Apart.”
I’ve recently realized that some of this advice might be useful for others as well—so I’m sharing pieces of that letter with you here. Note: What helped me might be unhelpful or unnecessary for you!
- Don’t underestimate the challenge of a long time apart
Most folks I’ve talked to say that experiencing long distance is more difficult than they expected. Indeed, maintaining and growing your relationship in these new circumstances will likely require immense effort, empathy, and generosity from each of you.
That said, a long time apart is also an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. If you both feel like you’re contributing more than your “fair share” of the work, you will build the reserves to deal with unexpected vicissitudes. If you communicate with honesty, proactiveness, and kindness, your mutual trust will grow. - Give each other space to grow as individuals, and ask clearly for what you need
One of the joys of being apart is that you have more time and energy to absorb and respond to the world outside your relationship. Indeed, that separate growth can make your shared relationship even stronger. I’m reminded of how when my friend Karen and her husband hosted parties together, they would split up and talk to different people; then, after the party was over, they would do dishes together while sharing their separate conversations, so they could both grow from each other’s individual experiences.
While it’s beautiful to celebrate each other’s independent growth, it’s also very much okay to feel envious, jealous, or lonely due to the time and space spent with other people. The trick may be figuring out how to ask clearly for what you need—perhaps as simple as, “I’m so happy that you’re getting to thrive in xyz way, but I miss you and would love to spend more time with you too”—even if it feels embarrassing or weak or unsupportive to say so. You can both honor your own needs and celebrate each other’s individual growth. - Discuss hypothetical issues before they happen
It’s hard to have difficult conversations when you’re emotionally stressed, and it’s even harder when you’re not physically together, because you’re missing context like body language that might shape how you communicate. While you’re together in person or in a good mood, it might help to brainstorm what hypothetical problems or challenges might come up when you’re apart, and how you’d want to resolve them. What are your expectations for how often you’ll communicate, how often you’ll visit, how emotionally present you’ll be when you connect? What are ways that you might accidentally hurt each other, how might distance exacerbate that, and how might you heal afterward? - Remember that you may respond differently to the same things
There’s a Leonard Cohen lyric that says, “The duty of lovers is to tarnish the golden rule.” Your needs and ways of communication are different; what one says or does might not match what the other receives. Loving someone is in part a process of learning what makes them unique.
Some books that have helped me with communication include Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heen and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. These books each have their assets and flaws, but more than anything else encourage honesty, empathy, and love, even during challenging emotional conversations. - Continue to plan shared experiences that you can both look forward to
Whether this means visiting each other in person during your long time apart, or experiencing new art together while apart, have dates on the calendar that you can both look forward to.
Also, remember that after your long time apart, it may take an adjustment process to be together again! You will have both grown—a beautiful thing!—and you may need some patient time to relearn how to be together now that you have both grown.
Thank you to Sam, Anna, and Juliette for inspiring this post.